From Fear to Freedom

Hi friend,

Independence Day holds a special significance for me this year, as I’ve been spending a lot of time lately thinking about my quest to free myself from the fearful voice in my own head.

I’ve been incredibly fortunate to live a life of virtually unbridled freedom from external forces.  There have been exceedingly few occasions where I’ve felt blocked by others from exercising agency or choosing my own actions.

And yet, despite enjoying this position of privilege, I’ve spent most of my life feeling like a prisoner to my own fear.

Fear that I’m not good enough.  Fear that you’ll find out.  Fear that I won’t get the thing.  Fear that I won’t be able to handle it if I do.  Fear that I’ll disappoint you.  Fear that I’ll disappoint myself.

So. Much. Fear. 

Generally, the fear has come with a directive:

Just do THIS THING and I’ll quiet down.  Work a few more hours.  Re-review your plan.  Say yes.  Raise your hand.  Please that person.  Earn their praise.  Double-check your work.  Check it once more.

And, admittedly, it often works. 

For a minute.  

But then the fear returns, demanding that I once again hustle to please, produce, or perform myself back to a place of (temporary and hollow) security.  

And so my perfectionist cycle has continued, with my fear growing stronger and more insistent each time around, and the sense of respite I derive from heeding it growing more fleeting and less satisfying than it was the time before.

Until one day I realized that the prospect of spending my entire life caged within the increasingly restrictive confines of my own fear is actually far scarier than the prospect of disobeying it.

Of course, it rarely feels that way in the moment – my fear really knows how to make a fuss.

But the slow burn of constant fear viewed in the aggregate is undeniably more painful than even the mightiest inner fear-based temper tantrum. 

Because it only builds and intensifies. And the process of continuously submitting to it prevents me from living life on my own terms — from honoring the values that the real me (as opposed to fear-possessed perfectionist Jordana) holds most important.

So what am I to do?

Magically eradicate the fear so I can seize the day and instantaneously enjoy all the joy, love, and fulfillment I deserve and desire?

That’s exactly the type of black-and-white thinking that makes most perfectionists give up before they even start.

Because it’s not possible.

Nor is it necessary, because it’s setting up a false dichotomy.

We do NOT need to extinguish our fear entirely in order to enjoy the fruits of freedom. 

We just need to be courageous and self-compassionate enough to accept the fear so we can sit with it long enough to surf the urge to unquestioningly heed its continuous demands.

Because each and every moment we feel the fear but DON’T submit to it, we are diminishing its power by strengthening our confidence in our ability to tolerate it, and reminding ourselves of all the things worth fighting for on the other side.

So rather than mutually exclusive options, I like to think of my fear and freedom as inhabiting opposite ends of a seesaw.  

I remind myself that, no matter how long or to what extent my fear has dominated, every moment presents a new opportunity for me to choose to take one small step toward greater freedom.

And experience proves that, far from all-or-nothing calculus, every single incremental gain of joy, meaning, and connection that flows from honoring my values rather than blindly following my fear is undeniably worth the effort.

Because each step not only makes it easier to take another step to further shift the balance, but it is in those moments of freedom, micro as they may be, that I reconnect with how it feels to be really living. 

So today, my friend, in the spirit of Independence Day, I invite you to identify one small step you can take to move from fear toward greater freedom. 

I then encourage you to hold your head high (inner fear-based temper tantrum be damned!), double-down on self-compassion (I swear, it REALLY does help), and celebrate yourself as you take that courageous step to shift the balance.

As always, please don’t hesitate to reach out if there’s any way I can support you.  And in the meanwhile, know that I am rooting for you, and I can’t wait to hear your freedom ring =) 

With love,

Jordana